Thursday, 26 September 2013

The Do's And Don'ts Of Dating After 50

New York City (CNN) -- I never thought I'd be here, but here I am. And let me tell you -- dating at midlife just ain't what it's cracked up to be.
What's that, you say? Internet dating is all the rage! There's no stigma anymore. It makes perfect sense. With our hypercharged careers, family responsibilities, keeping up with the news and working out -- who has the time to meet people anymore? Forget singles bars. What woman in her 50s really enjoys meeting strange men at bars? Oh, wait. Most Internet "first dates" begin at bars. With strange men. Still, the draw is strong. Everybody seems to know somebody who's met her significant other online.
"Marie met the love of her life," said a friend. "She was smart enough to increase her radius of possibilities to 150 miles. And then she found Ben -- only three hours away." Only three hours? What nobody really seems to tell you is that for every online dating success story, there are hundreds of failures: misleading (or outright fraudulent) profiles, years-old photos (at 50, that makes a real difference), awkward conversations, sexual miscues, and clearly incompatible goals.

Ronni Berke
Ronni Berke
My situation is fairly typical. After juggling two children and a demanding job, my first marriage ended in divorce. I had given it some hard thinking, but my relationship with my husband, which began when we were both in college, really couldn't make it for the long haul. So I opted out. About a year later, I encountered a friendly, good-looking neighbor, who had just recently become single. Howard became my second husband and the love of my life. That made it all the more crushing when he died of a brain tumor two years into our marriage. Thus began a long period of mourning, in which I helped usher my two daughters into adulthood, and devoted more attention to my career. But I was awfully lonely. It didn't help that I went straight home from work every night and stayed in on weekends.
My friends would gently nudge me: "Why don't you just go out more, even with friends?" "Have you checked out JDate?" And the always dependable: "Take a class. You'll meet people." But I was stubborn. Oddly, I'm a very social person. Why was I cutting myself off from the world? My reasoning was this: If I don't do anything, don't "get out there," nothing bad will happen. As in no disappointment, no heartbreak. There's one problem with this line of thinking. Yes, if you don't do anything, nothing bad happens. However, nothing good happens, either. Nothing happens.
So, seven years after my husband's death, I took the plunge. I signed up for online dating and even went to a speed dating session at a local bar.
I approached online dating very seriously, enlisting help from close friends for my profile. It needed a dash of wit, a sprinkling of sass and an attractive photo. But not too much wit, and not too much sass. As for the photo: There's no such thing as too attractive. After everything posted, I got a flood of responses from men. Not because I'm an exceptional catch, but because those who've been on the sites for a while tend to pounce on a new candidate. There were men who lived in other states and countries. (I can't afford to see you. And Skype relationships are pretty two-dimensional.) Men who mentioned sexual details in their profiles. (Yes, we get that sex is important, even in middle age. But this is just too much information!) Men who were grammatically challenged. (Either I'm not worth a coherent sentence or you are unable to compose one.)
My first online date was at a nearby bar. I rushed home from work, put on a new outfit, makeup and perfume, and left the house looking and feeling like a million bucks. I walked into the bar where my date was sitting. Instantly, I could tell he wasn't interested. (Not that I was, either. But since then, I always arrive earlier than the man on a first date to check out, rather than be checked out.) The whole thing went downhill from there. My date spent an hour talking about what a long day he'd had, his allergies, and even checking out attractive women who walked by. Next!
The following night, I met a divorce lawyer for a drink. That job description should have been a red flag, but remember, I was trying to put myself "out there." He walked in and said: "You're a babe!" The last time someone called me a babe was, well, never. Yet, I tried to make the best of it, until he made a pass at me in the elevator. Want to seduce a woman? Trap her in a box and lunge at her. Works every time. Thankfully, I escaped unscathed.
After a few more encounters in which men talked nervously and endlessly about themselves, I met a man who seemed intelligent, attractive and interested in me. We dated for a couple of months. It was good for the ego at first, but turned out not to be a lasting relationship. Note to self: Just because a man doesn't talk about himself all the time doesn't mean he's right for you.
In addition to online dating, I've tried the novel approach of meeting men in person -- at a speed dating event. But it's just different for the boomer set. We're not kids anymore. We don't really do the "hang out, hook up" thing very well. Having a five-minute conversation isn't much of a barometer for a relationship.
Here are my "Speed Dating Dos and Don'ts, For Men of a Certain Age"
-- DO dress presentably. Clean it up. No Hawaiian shirts. And go easy on the hair product.
-- DO know how to talk to a woman. Bad line: "If your name weren't Ronni, what name would you want?" Good line: "You're a widow but out dating again? That's good for us men."
-- DON'T leave a woman sitting alone because you're too shy to come over during the break for buffet. For God's sake, it's speed dating. What did you sign up for?
-- DON'T talk about marriage on a five-minute speed date.
-- DO come up with a reason for why you're in your 50s (or 60s) and have never met the right woman. It can be finessed.
-- DON'T accidentally take your date's drink to the next table (and next date) with you. Pay attention to what you're doing.
-- DO know your selling points. If it's not your career -- and it can't always be -- come up with something you're good at.
-- DO act interested in what she's saying. Unless you just don't care.
But I am not giving up. I've told friends to keep on the lookout for suitable partners for me. I also have a couple of first dates next week with men I've met online. And yes -- expect me to get there first.

Thanks to CNN for this article!

Friday, 13 September 2013

Am I Too Old To Date Again?

In today's world, people don't often realize the importance of companionship until later in life. Staying fit and physically and socially active increases your odds of finding someone to date, and also increases your libido and your chances of successful sex. But, beware of too much focus on the surface, and not enough content. Such relationships quickly become empty and stressful.
Older couples have many issues to work out while dating. They are established, with clear likes and dislikes, and may have difficulty reaching agreement on lifestyle issues. They often have grown families, who may have trouble accepting a parent's or grandparent's dating. They also have relationship experience, and a widow or widower, for example, may have trouble getting beyond the previous marriage, and dealing with a different person.  The media focus on youth and fitness these days can make anyone feel insecure and unattractive. 
The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again, shows you how to use the "get a life" method of pursuing your interests in a group fashion. Taking classes, supporting causes, or getting involved in civic, church or social groups will keep you interested, socially connected, and give you a chance to find someone with whom you have something in common.   Focus on activities that you enjoy (sports, classes, or political, social, charitable or religious activities ) which involve meeting other people and creating a social circle.  
If you are doing things that are meaningful to you, you'll automatically have something in common with anyone you meet there. It will also move your focus from desperation to something productive, which will bring out your most attractive character traits. As a bonus, you also get to observe that person around other people, which will tell you a lot about his/her character. Dating doesn't happen until you are already quite sure you two are mutually compatible and interested, and success is almost guaranteed.

Why not take a look at the book - it may help you get started again!  


Tuesday, 10 September 2013

5 Reasons Over 50’s Dating Isn’t Working

You Believe There Is Only One Soul Mate Or Twin Flame For You

Hollywood has done a number on your psyche when it comes to romance and finding love.
Falling in love is easy. It’s based on hormonal highs that make you feel like this special man in your life is magical and perfect for you.
Think of Jennifer Lopez and all the men she “fell in love with.”  Once the high wore off, she moved on.
It’s more important to fall in LIKE with a man because once the magic wears off after 6 to 18 months, you’ll decide whether you want to build a life together.  And chemistry is only a small part of that.

You Must Have Immediate Chemistry
Chemistry is nice, but let’s face it…hot attraction is based on the need to mate and make babies.
Our DNA is engrained with the need to find the most handsome and strongest man out there so our babies had best chance of surviving in the caveman days.
Sex is very much alive after 50. It just doesn’t happen as often as it did when you were younger.
Both sexes can have sexual issues and even when attraction is there, the type of performance you did when you were younger is rarely sustainable at this age.
More important than chemistry will be the companionship and the emotional support the two of you will give each other that will far outlast the initial chemistry as you age.

He Completes Me
image from the movie, Jerry Maguire
Photo credit: Gracie Films and TriStar Pictures
Hollywood fooled you again in the movie Jerry McGuire when Tom Cruise told the women he loved these three simple words…”You complete me!”
From that point on, men and women used this barometer as the measure for finding love.
The love of your life should compliment you, not complete you.  If they have to complete you, you’re missing something in your own life that you’re looking to have fulfilled by someone else.
After a while, this makes you appear needy because you must have the other person to make your life okay.
It’s better when you each come into a relationship with your own interests and passions. These create a glow that is so appealing to the opposite sex.
Of course, having common interests is important too for sustaining a relationship over time but it’s your individual passion that will keep the relationship alive.

Only Wanting To Date The “Beautiful” People
The media has taught us to think a person is only valuable if they are beautiful or handsome.  There’s a belief that having a handsome man on your arm raises your value to the world.
A relationship, especially after 50, is about far more than a handsome man.  Plus as you age, your looks will come from the inner glow of wisdom and feeling good about who you are today.
Handsome men make great eye candy but most of us need more depth than this to create a deeper sustainable relationship.  Don’t you agree?
Look at all the beautiful famous people you read about who are constantly breaking up or divorcing.  Could it be the outer glow has worn off creating a desire to have something deeper?

Looking For Perfection
The casualty of divorce is you really don’t want to fail again.  So you start looking for the perfect person.
On a coffee date, instead of getting to know a new and interesting man, you end up interviewing him for the position of your next serious relationship.
If he has one thing missing from the imaginary list you find yourself mentally checking off, you end the date and move on, never seeing him again.
When you were in your teens and 20’s, you found relationships with men by hanging out.  You didn’t go on a first date trying to figure out if this man was your next spouse.  No, you spent time hanging out just enjoying each other’s company.  That’s how you fell in love.
At this stage of the game, everyone comes with a ton of baggage that no one really wants to deal with.  What’s so wonderful about this time in your life is you can have all types of relationships with men.  Consider ending the traditional idea of having to marry as your goal.
Get out there and meet men who would be fun to have as a companion to hang out with.  Most people over 50 are lonely and could use a new friend in their life.
You never know, the person you passed up as your next spouse on the coffee date could over time turn out to be the greatest relationship of your over 50’s life.  All you have to do is give it a chance.
Much love and joy to you. Lisa
"The Dating Coach Who Makes Dating Fun and Easier after 50!"
© 2013 Lisa Copeland. All rights reserved.
Lisa Copeland, The Dating Coach who makes dating fun and easier over 50 is the founder of Find A Quality Man LLC. To get your FREE Report... 5 Secrets to Finding A Quality Man and to receive her blog with tips and advice on finding and meeting your own Quality Man,

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Online Dating: 5 Tips For Finding Success

The days of being embarrassed to meet people online are long gone, but the daunting task of navigating though the world of online dating sites can be terrifying and overwhelming. But don’t fret! I’ve put together a simple guide for getting the most out of your online dating experience!

1. Choose the online dating service that is right for you.

There seems to be an almost endless amount of dating sites in existence. How can you possibly begin to navigate through them? First thing’s first: you have pay dating sites, like eHarmony and, and free sites such as PlentyOfFish and OKCupid. Free sites are a good starting point; a way to test the dating waters. You can set up a profile without hassle and get started right away. And if it doesn’t work out for you, or you decide online dating just isn’t your thing, at least you won’t feel like you wasted money.
Pay sites, however, tend to be more in-depth, and cover more compatibility areas so that they can help you find the best matches. They also often offer the benefit of having more “serious” members; those who are actively searching for a partner and not just trolling the internet for cheap dates. That’s not to say that creeps and weirdos and low-lifes don’t exist on all dating sites… because they most definitely do.
There are also a lot of niche dating sites. There are dating sites for book lovers, art lovers, horse lovers, and all other manner of lovers; stoners, little people, people who have STDS, and even for specifically for inmates, sea captains, or farmers. And that’s only to name a VERY FEW. There really is a site for everyone.
And hey, if you’re looking for something a little naughtier, there are a lot of dating sites available that specialize in casual hookups between sexually open-minded adults, such as: XXXConnectSocialSex, orNaughtyMeetings.
Once you have an idea of the site(s) you’d like to join, do your research; read reviews, and find out what other people think. There are tons of dating site reviews on this site, just FYI.

2. Be honest!

This is one piece of dating advice that should be followed regardless of whether you are dating online or not. If you are not honest about who you are, you are not going to attract someone who is compatible with you. I know it’s tempting to exaggerate a little, especially online, but all you are doing is setting both yourself and your potential date up for disappointment.
You should never be focused on convincing someone that you’re “good enough” to be with. They should want to spend time with you because they truly appreciate and desire the person that you are. And the best way to find that person is to be as honest as you can in the way you present yourself. Don’t make your profile reflect what you think people want; just make it you.
online-dating-advice-be-yourselfBe thorough when completing your profile. Answer/fill out all the sections and remember: honesty! I have seen countless bare-bones dating site profiles that offer you no more than the most basic information about the person.

3. Choose an appropriate username.

Go ahead, be witty, be funny, be risque. But make sure to understand what your username will say about you. You want it to be a representation of you and what you’re looking to get out of this site, but you also don’t want it to be off-putting to other members. Don’t be NiceGuyKevin72. Don’t be CatCrazedCathy101. And for the love of God, don’t be SoWet4U unless you’re prepared for the consequences. Or, you’ve decided to join one of the raunchier dating sites – then, by all means, be “SoWet” for whoever you want! online-dating-advice-profile-username

4. Show your best side with your profile picture.

We’ve all seen horrible and creepy online dating profile pictures: the shirtless 55-year-old proudly showing off his latest piece of roadkilll, the jacked dude smirking wildly amongst his sizable gun collection, and things that are just plain weird. But bad quality, low angle webcam photos and photoshopped pictures are just as bad.
Often times members are given a split-second judgement based on their profile picture. It’s a sad, but accurate truth. And when your face is lost in a sea of other faces, you need to be sure you’re putting your best foot.. er, face.. forward.
First, use a recent photo! I can’t stress this enough. You have to be honest about your looks too! So, don’t use your high school graduation photo. And don’t use that photo from when you were in your best friend’s wedding party 10 years ago. And don’t use that photo of you in a bikini from 1995. Just don’t, okay? Potential matches want to know what you look like now. Choose a photo that shows your face. One where you look happy, you’re smiling naturally, even laughing maybe. Choose a photo from a time you were having a good day. It shows in the photo.
Second, don’t use photos of you with other people. Members want to see YOU. They don’t want to see you surrounded by all your lady friends (this goes for guys AND girls!) And if you’re in the photo with someone of the same gender, how are potential dates supposed to know which one you are?? Keep the focus on you, and you alone.
And fellas? Keep your shirt on. That’s not what we’re interested in, and is in fact often times a complete turn-off. Oh, and while we’re on the topic, there is NO EXCUSE for mirror photos. I don’t need to know what your bathroom looks like. How hard is it to get someone to snap a photo of you? Better yet, raid your friends’ Facebook and Instagram accounts; they are sure to have photos of you that look more natural.
online-dating-advice-shirtless-profile-photoAnd don’t forget, most sites allow you to add multiple photos, so once you’ve chosen a stellar profile picture, feel free to add all those other photos of yourself. The more the better!
If you’re on a niche dating site, be sure to show off why it is you’re on the site! Joined a site for cat lovers? Put your little fur baby in the picture with you! Joined a site that connects travel lovers? Put up a photo from your last exotic vacation! And if you decide to join one of the more “adult” sites, you’re going to get much better results if you submit a raunchy profile picture. If you’re brave enough, show a little skin (or a lot!).


Approach online dating as you would a job search. Present yourself in the best possible light. Show potential matches why you’re so amazing. And use proper spelling/grammar/structure! There’s no reason not to and not doing so will only make you look juvenile and blasé.
And, as you should do with a resume or cover letter, get a friend to proofread and look over your profile for you. A second opinion can be invaluable.
Just like with a job search, online dating is a numbers game. Send out lots of messages! And don’t get discouraged if you don’t hear back from people. Not everyone is right for everyone else. When you get replies, take it slow – talk about mutual interests and find out what else you might have in common. Don’t be afraid to set up lots of dates! Go have a good time!
I hope that this advice will help you to make your profile as great as it can be so you’re able to find what you’re looking for in a match. Good luck!

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